Sep 27, 2008

soon

i will be back for the rest of the world to see, soon.

month after long month, i have succumbed in what was left of the misery and depression i felt. i have allowed myself to walk in a dead sleep, lost in the pitch-black darkness summoned from my own personal hell. and though it may seem that i do not care about what had happened in the recent past, though i talk about the events with a smile, i still feel a little ache inside the hollow part where my heart once was. though i act as if nothing happened, as if it were some joke that failed to shatter me, still, i feel as if the chains of the past keep pulling me back ... haunting me. i have been in a coma long enough for everyone around to anchor me to the word 'dead'.

yesterday, i woke up feeling a little alive, for the first time in a very, very long while. i felt the energy i used to have, i felt the old me resurfacing from the lonely abyss. then it came to me: that i will be whole again; very, very soon. not in any way again will i allow anyone to step on every ounce of who and what i am. no one will have any ticket to mistreat and give me grave threats again, no, i will not allow it. and, yes, not ever again will i keep everything in the recesses of my silence. my old self was strong but i will be stronger.

Sep 10, 2008

torn

This week, I have been collectively the optimist and pessimist that I am. Both extremes intermittently shifting as self-pity and self-motivation continue in their turmoil of combat. With the scruple of scratch I have to content myself to start my ‘career’ with, surely, I’m still searching for what I love and want to do. At the same time, torn in between what I want and what I have to do. Things have been half and half; tossing and spinning inside my head, always changing, never halting to a stop even for a second, and thus confusing me even more.

Two days before yesterday, my siblings and I went shopping. I bought a world map, where I scrawled purple little stars on the places I want to go. And then, it transpired: kids who are able to spend vacations and travel abroad should consider themselves fortunate, even if it’s just Hong Kong or Thailand. So much so, those who have even more --- kids who get to choose whatever degree they wish to have at Ivy Leagues, or at other prime colleges/universities --- ought to be a million times more thankful than “just lucky” kids like, sporadically, myself. Not that I am ungrateful nor do not consider myself blessed, it’s just that, some who belong under the “very lucky” category are completely blinded to realize how well-heeled they are --- hardly fair, okay, downright unfair. Let’s face it, mostly all of these brats show their appreciation by dropping out of college and waste the perfect opportunity of a refined education.

Let’s make room for more gloom, shall we? Dreams can only take you so far, because most of the time, you can’t go anywhere if you do not have the money for it. Since then, I’ve been longing to travel and see the world; learn more, as I’ve been shuddering to the fact of what little I know. I dream to become a writer and a doctor. But with my circumstance --- a handful of familial obligations hovering like a thick haze in my head --- even having to zero in on one seems quite impossible. Tell me, how can I fulfill such responsibilities if I follow my dream of getting a degree in English (majoring in either creative writing or English literature) at, say, Brown or Cornell? Let alone a degree in Medicine at Johns Hopkins? Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to the next five years of my life, of course, with half of things done my way, the other half by sheer luck. I grow near to twenty-three every stinking day, and in my own timeline, what, I’ll be in the US by that age already. I’m young and I want to enjoy every bit of this limited youth. I know I can do so much, and I really don’t want to waste my time in this country. I see a much broader horizon outside the Philippines; more learning opportunities and experiences. Sometimes, it just pays to be immortal; call it a morbid sense of humor, but really, think of all the time one can have to grab every star he/she has since laid eyes on. I allowed myself to succumb in what misery I felt that day.

Well, today is much lighter. The confusion simmered down just a teensy bit, and I am able to do a lot of thinking. Strategies and plans, with what to do with my life while I am still rooted in this totally generic place I call my country, eager to flee the soonest possible. So anyway, for today, I am concentrating on: “It does not do good to dwell on dreams”, Professor Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Sep 5, 2008

love letter

Dear God,

I know I don’t quite deserve everything that I am enjoying. With all my mistakes, lack (lack, not absence) of modesty, goodness, and yes, purity, You continue to bless me unceasingly. And truth be told, most of the time, I am ashamed of myself when I ask little favors of You, what with my shortcomings. With this, I am again swallowing my pride.

Every girl dreams of a fairytale. And I am one of them, who yearn to fall head over heels with someone worth every ounce of who and what I am. You have watched me as time and again I fall in and out of love. You are my number one witness, and I reckon You have rocked in laughter for the many, many times I have acted like a fool soldier. Though I am still 21, it came to me that the time has arrived that I start requesting of the bliss fairytales bring.

So anyway, yes, I want a man who will sweep me off my feet. My perfect guy would obviously be either like Fitzwilliam Darcy, Edward Cullen, or Andrew Jacoby. But I have made both ends of reality and fantasy meet, hence all of the primary pieces would be: intelligence, decency, sense of humor, acceptable body, cute face, and any sort of job that would fall under the generous umbrella of “normal” --- of course, something that can afford a very good way of living if he and I are to marry. And God, the extra icing on the cake would be … Brit accent, hehehe. But you know I can live with or without that spare helping.

That will be all, well, for now. I am fully aware that in Your time, You will provide me of what is best. Though please be warned, that, I will shamelessly continue to pray for this. Please do not get irritated with my persistence. Thank you very much.



Love,

Icon

Sep 3, 2008

time to face

After a two-hour trip, I am finally in the city. I have walked the urban soil all but 5 hours and already I am missing home. Jeez. At this point, I pine for the comforting familiarity, that for the past week, I have absurdly referred to as redundantly repulsive. What a shame.

Tomorrow, I will have to try to start my day early. There’s just so much to do: go to school and have myself registered for the 2nd trimester (not to mention the horrendous process I will have to submit to), have my finger and toe nails cleaned and polished, get my eyebrows neatly plucked, drop soiled clothes to the laundry shop, buy gift for Craig’s 1st birthday, buy Daniel’s white polo (for school), grab coffee with Loida and of course, surf the net --- marker of the day’s culmination. I will also need to remind myself of my resume waiting to be revised, and the impossibly long list of way overdue requirements I’ve yet to toil on. I have to work my ass off --- assiduously and conscientiously --- for the numerous loopholes I have left the past month. There is no disavowing of my urgency to cut off the slack. With this, comes another reminder, that I get a grip on myself just in case I lose control (again). Ah, the inevitability of irresponsibility, creeping every so often from the insides of my striving-to-be-mature persona. Try as I may, still I am subjected to such state of affairs.

Sep 2, 2008

dwelling

I have been wandering in this strange place I call my home for a week now. Have I grown tired of this place that I can’t seem to find anything fun to fill every minute of my stay? I practically grew up here, yes; but now, it seems as if the tedium was something I never got used to. All this reaction, I particularly blame the city.

I have lived my entire college life in the big city away from my familiar home; I’ve adjusted pretty well, and I’ve learned how to live the city life. Although back then, I was practically contented with the available resources here and found small-town fun well … fun, the city has changed a truckload of my views on existence. In the city, there’s just so much to see, places to go, things to do, and experiences to be on familiar terms with. Whenever boredom would strike, you can go have coffee with friends, watch a movie, shop, or just escape to a good place to unwind. Again, there’s just so much to do; the metropolis is alive 24/7, so you never really run out of stuff to go through in a day to day basis. My fondness of urban living: when your list ends, you just step outside and discover that you’ve already made mental notes on what you’re going to carry out next. Although dwelling the urban fashion, I am not in any way like women you see losing themselves at parties --- you get the picture. Even the verve of the metropolis cannot prevent me from holing up in my crib, either reading a good book, gathering thoughts to write or watching DVDs. On the other side, it is but natural for someone who grew up in a small town to come looking for that small-town experience over and over in his/her lifetime. Even with the impossible monotonous life little towns give, if it is home, there is no denying that one will forever yearn for the comfort it brings. Even with all the amenities claiming to give relaxation that the metropolis offers, nothing can beat this true aspect of a humble abode. What I truly love about home is the fact that, it has the precise effect of a getaway from all the madness the city gives. It does not fail to placate a weary soul. Hence, my frequent visits.

I have had my fill of both urban and provincial lives. And even with this, I have not had enough of my frequent shifts between the two. This is the core explanation as to why my week-long stay here, though seemingly forever, leads me to missing the metropolitan existence and the same goes the other way around. I can’t live without the other. Although double standards are not really my type, this one --- if classified as --- would be an exception.