Sep 10, 2008

torn

This week, I have been collectively the optimist and pessimist that I am. Both extremes intermittently shifting as self-pity and self-motivation continue in their turmoil of combat. With the scruple of scratch I have to content myself to start my ‘career’ with, surely, I’m still searching for what I love and want to do. At the same time, torn in between what I want and what I have to do. Things have been half and half; tossing and spinning inside my head, always changing, never halting to a stop even for a second, and thus confusing me even more.

Two days before yesterday, my siblings and I went shopping. I bought a world map, where I scrawled purple little stars on the places I want to go. And then, it transpired: kids who are able to spend vacations and travel abroad should consider themselves fortunate, even if it’s just Hong Kong or Thailand. So much so, those who have even more --- kids who get to choose whatever degree they wish to have at Ivy Leagues, or at other prime colleges/universities --- ought to be a million times more thankful than “just lucky” kids like, sporadically, myself. Not that I am ungrateful nor do not consider myself blessed, it’s just that, some who belong under the “very lucky” category are completely blinded to realize how well-heeled they are --- hardly fair, okay, downright unfair. Let’s face it, mostly all of these brats show their appreciation by dropping out of college and waste the perfect opportunity of a refined education.

Let’s make room for more gloom, shall we? Dreams can only take you so far, because most of the time, you can’t go anywhere if you do not have the money for it. Since then, I’ve been longing to travel and see the world; learn more, as I’ve been shuddering to the fact of what little I know. I dream to become a writer and a doctor. But with my circumstance --- a handful of familial obligations hovering like a thick haze in my head --- even having to zero in on one seems quite impossible. Tell me, how can I fulfill such responsibilities if I follow my dream of getting a degree in English (majoring in either creative writing or English literature) at, say, Brown or Cornell? Let alone a degree in Medicine at Johns Hopkins? Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward to the next five years of my life, of course, with half of things done my way, the other half by sheer luck. I grow near to twenty-three every stinking day, and in my own timeline, what, I’ll be in the US by that age already. I’m young and I want to enjoy every bit of this limited youth. I know I can do so much, and I really don’t want to waste my time in this country. I see a much broader horizon outside the Philippines; more learning opportunities and experiences. Sometimes, it just pays to be immortal; call it a morbid sense of humor, but really, think of all the time one can have to grab every star he/she has since laid eyes on. I allowed myself to succumb in what misery I felt that day.

Well, today is much lighter. The confusion simmered down just a teensy bit, and I am able to do a lot of thinking. Strategies and plans, with what to do with my life while I am still rooted in this totally generic place I call my country, eager to flee the soonest possible. So anyway, for today, I am concentrating on: “It does not do good to dwell on dreams”, Professor Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.