Feb 27, 2009


i have always functioned on the idealogy that no matter where we are in life, we continue to grow. that life is a cycle of learning, unlearning and re-learning. and that this endless circle would manifest itself in various forms. whether it be found in suprises, mundane events, spur-of-the-moment epiphanies, and experiences both glorious and painful.

at the moment, i am experiencing a writer's block. but from now on, i will not allow it to keep me from writing and/or blogging. to paraphrase soon-to-be-uncle steve on his harleys, "just because it's dangerous, doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying."

when i was younger, my parents sent my siblings and i to calligraphy class. every summer, they always send us to whatever summer class they come across with that will help mold us, their children, into 'cultured' individuals. the art of calligraphy encompasses the strokes used to make beautiful, structured letters. it disciplines the hand and the posture.

back then, because i was younger and naive, my aim was always to create near to perfect strokes that i can skip an exercise or two. another aim was to finish early, to spare myself from the rigid position my spine has to endure. to get extra minutes of rest, wander around the outskirts of the garden outside the classroom, and to eat my snack earlier than the others. i never really thought of discipline at that time. but now, i can see what the art of calligraphy has taught me.

in order to finish something, i must endure the entire rigmarole of the process. otherwise, i won't get to the finish line. in calligraphy, when you are to draw a certain word or phrase, once you have started, you must keep going. because if you don't, all you'll see are incomplete strokes --- you'll never get to read anything.

to get something right, i must practice. repeat everything, until i have mastered the skill. and to get something right, the process must be followed. what needs to be done first, must be done. to quote ala:

"in any case, it helps to have open-minded teachers or mentors who push you and encourage your individuality while still maintaining necessary structure. because the best artists aren't really the mercurial, flighty stereotypes we often see in books and movies. they are disciplined individuals who, like athletes, show up on schedule even when they don't feel like it. they stay in shape so that they may have the skills and know-how to translate true inspiration when it strikes."

how do you solve a rubik's cube puzzle?

i know solving one is tricky and even i cannot solve the puzzle as fast as my brother or anybody who's good at it. but the question is, 'how?'. obviously, to solve the rubik's, you need to consider every angle of the cube. because if you disregard even one side, say goodbye to getting the right answer.

when it comes to using the common sense and carrying out initiative, some people, like solving the rubik's, consider different angles. different views through which they come-up with strategies to tackle the puzzle. by this, when plan a fails, they immedately deal with the problem now using plan b. however, some people deal using their first instinct and impression and just that, period. not opening their eyes to the horizon of possibilities. so, when plan a fails, they have to kill time to come-up with plan b. sadly, sometimes, they can't come-up with plan b.

so i told my sister, "when taking the board exam always aim to become a topnotcher, because if you only aim of passing, the next level is failure. if you're fixing your eyes on the top spot and you didn't get it, you'll land with a 'pass'; but if you only make sure of passing and then you don't, you'll end up failing."

no two snowflakes are the same.
no leaf from the same tree possess the same pattern.
ergo, unique as our natures are, we are different from one another.

some want and strive to be part of the flock
some become chameleons to be one of the herd
but, unique as our natures dictate, we are different from one another.

the stripes on the zebra's back are not the same
sycamores grow high but not of the same height
unique as we all are, we are different from each other.

as unique individuals, we all have different takes on things. so, there's no need to push an opinion if you see that the other party is already closed.


here are some of the things that have lingered in my thoughts for the past two weeks.

what is meant by the phrase "life imitating art"? i am always confused by what people try to mean when they spice their statement by infusing this phrase. isn't life in itself already a form of art?

how do you tell the difference between 'judging' and 'saying what you're seeing'?

can you tell the bluff from the truth and the lie from the bluff?

what is the difference between expanding the truth and telling a lie?


lessons from songs.

1) you live, you learn by alanis morissette - you live, you learn. you cry, you learn. you love, you learn. you lose, you learn...

2) life goes on by leann rimes - life goes on, and it's only gonna make you strong. it's a fact, once you get on board, say goodbye 'cause you can't go back...

3) one for the radio by mcfly - we all look the same in the dark...

4) you get what you give by new radicals - we only get what we give...

5) drak blue by jack's mannequin - this flood, this flood is slowly resonant, swallowing the ground beneath my feet. tell me howanybody thinks under this condition? so, slow down. this day's a perfect shade of dark blue ...


in the book "the alchemist" by paulo coelho, santiago stated one of the reasons why he disliked the seminary. what that is, it will be on my next blog.


i was supposed to leave for c- after lunch, but i didn't. mother got all dramatic when i refused to go with her on her scheduled trip. i had to give in, because: 1)her birthday's only hours away --- yes, she's getting older, and 2)she's my mum --- i really can't deprive her of such a wee request. it was settled then, i was to go with her friday morning.

i came home to rejuvenate and contemplate. to gain a few pounds in preparation for the chaotic marathon of the weeks to come. also, to be physically present on my best friend's birthday and to talk, whine and rant about the downhill path i recently took. unfortunately, i wasn't able to meet-up with her. certain events and hectic unexpected schedules came in between and destroyed "my plans". however things turned out, i wan't pissed. i figured i'm still going to see my best friend in just a few more weeks, so why push? hehehehe.

monday. i arrived around 8:00 am. ate breakfast and was told that we were going to lola's after lunch with momy denz and her husband. it suited me very well. i was already thinking of going back tuesday. after all, going to lola's --- my place of zen --- was my ultimate purpose for coming home. but then, everybody needed my services so, no, i can't leave tuesday. all right-y then :)

tuesday. first stop to tita liza's. i was hoping that i can persuade her to re-do my gown. but things came the other way around. she convinced me that i won't look hideous (of course, i need to lose weight), so i agreed --- i'm scared though. then we went to see the town florist. mum said they are known and was the town favorite. when we got there, the flowers were all good and i thought looking for another option would be of no use anymore. the owner wasn't around so the employee just showed us pictures of their arrangements. voila! i was underwhelmed --- not that my opinion was highly regarded and sought-for. it was okay, i just thought the general effect was over-the-top making the look really tacky.

wednesday. we went to abuyog to see lolo. nothing much though. the only tiny surpirse was seeing my very old grandfather wearing longsleeves, slacks and formal shoes. i was worried that his entire wardrobe was robbed empty by the family of his gold-digging partner, who recently talked him into selling some of his properties. glad i was just a teensy bit wrong. ash wednesday and we got our foreheads marked.

this is how i spent my short vaca-of-sorts.

Feb 21, 2009

woes ... dang!

if i wrote this hours ago, the condemning, heinous side of me would have won over my better judgment or shall i say, better good.

if i wrote this hours ago, you would be reading belittling, demeaning, harsh statements.

if i wrote this hours ago at the height of my fuming rage, you would be witnessing how i spew my vitriol, maybe even get a dose of it yourself even if it doesn't apply to you. reading them would be like pouring acid on a fresh open wound. no one would want that.

but of course, i'm better than that. because i have to. because i want to.

if i have learned a thing or two from my experience today, they are:
1) never underestimate nor overestimate people, and
2) never expect.

and if people have learned something from me today, they would be:
1) when i say business, i mean BUSINESS.
2) responsibility, commitment, initiative and common sense --- there's really no excuse for ignorance.
3) "i thought", and "i don't/didn't know" won't do for me --- in the profession, people die and many are harmed because of these two phrases.

for people to know me more, here're a few pointers:
1) i'm a sag. when it comes to work, look up for my sign first so that you'll know what and how i am when i mean "get the job done and get it right".
2) i mean business.
3) give me crap and i'll raise hell.
4) oh, and yeah, don't tell me "it's ok" when it's really not. because i'm no good at pretending and theatrics, i'll shove reality at your face even when reality would eat you, both of us, everyone alive and whole.
5) show me initiative and common sense, rest assured, you have my respect.

that's about it.

today's experience was indeed a learning one. it has opened my eyes to more of life's spiteful truths. i was hurt. and yes, i cried --- the salty moisture my eyes let go always betray me everytime my body would be filled with anger, i can't seem to control it. nevertheless, the pencil was sharpened once more.

although my morning temperament was so not me and totally unexpected, it made me appreciate the ones who are the real good judge of people. gawd, what a relief.

i was wrong. i made mistakes. i got hurt. i felt betrayed. i lost. YET: i gained. i was awakened. i learned. i was humbled. i feel stronger.

i can forgive, that's not much to ask.
i have forgiven. but i won't forget.
i have accepted and understood (talk about the better judgment and the better good). but acting "like it never happened", i can't guarantee.
i have decided: i will give the benefit of the doubt. but half of my respect and trust needs to be earned again. it's too much for one "honest mistake" (if you call it that), i know. but that's the way how things operate for me. i've tried to modify, but i'm no fake, it's the best i can do. believe me.

of course, i will be MIA for quite some time. but it's better than forcing myself to warm up immediately without my inner being resorting to healing time-out. it really is. just avoiding a premature sparking of the ire, which would ultimately result to me throwing incremental bile and exponential tectonic plate blow-ups --- nobody quick-witted would want that, only slowpokes do.

that's about the last sequelae from this morning's fumes.

life, after all, is about learning, unlearning, and relearning. :)

Feb 15, 2009

14 and 15

SOMEONE told me that some of my posts are emo-ish. i really don't know why. hehehehe.

feb 14. valentine's day. HAPPY HEARTS DAY!

the first person who greeted was jaja. she sent me a text message around five minutes after midnight. jaja --- it was rather a suprise; we've known each other, but we're not really friends. jaja and i just see each other in class, sometimes we speak to each other and sometimes we don't. lately, we exchanged messages for updates regarding our class seminar, subject requirements and comprehensive exams pointers. but i honestly did not expect that she would, of all people, greet me on this day, let alone be the first one.

i woke up to a chilly, slightly drizzly morning at seven though i slept really late. i composed my hearts day message and sent it to practically all the special people in my phonebook. i slept again, feeling the dire need for it. i woke up again around nine, i checked my cellular phones. the other one, i had a message from my best friend and my sister, the other had one from kuya charles. i went straight to the laptop and started to make additional notes that would help me for the comprehensive exams. when i finished, i went down and ate my brunch. it was rather like the usual, ordinary days of my life --- like the day had nothing internationally special. it felt like i was living any other day. i checked my mail and my cyberspace accounts. my cousin sent me an e-gift, i sent her one too and wished her a happy day ahead. lola mother sent me a message, mum called, and that was it. lunch time: things felt too drab and mundane. my cheery mood plummeted. and suddenly i felt lonely. there was even a minute there that my brain entertained the thought of accepting the dates i turned down just so i can have somebody to celebrate this day with. hahaha it was a desperate thought, hahaha.

although since then, every year this occasion held nothing dramatic for me, i spent it with special people. though never had i experienced a mushy valentine's day, i celebrated it and i wasn't alone. valentines, after all, should be spent with the special people in your life, and being alone is somewhat a breach of its essence. maybe i was expecting too much.

to pull back my plummeting mood, i decided to hit starbucks to study. the thought got me all thrilled and the feeling of alone-ness washed away. as i was preparing my self, elle sent a message, asking where i was. i messaged back and told that i was on my way to starbucks to study and people-watch. it was still raining but i went there anyway. when i arrived, the coffeeshop was packed. and boy was i glad to see people. i recognized some of the thai medicine students from the university who lived near my pad. chao was also there, the korean med student who i became acquainted with back when i was still in college. other students were also there studying; some were just hanging out with friends. i found my spot and left my reading materials there. when i reached the counter, the barista gave me a sunny smile and we greeted each other. i ordered my white chocolate mocha, hot, venti --- ang kapal, nag-venti. but yeah, what the heck, i was not in my diet mode anyway. the atmoshpere was relaxing. looking at people, i realized feeling alone was wholly unnecessary. after a while elle texted and said he was coming that we can brainstorm. eric called and we talked for a few minutes; papa called too. after two hours, elle arrived and we studied, brainstormed, and chika-ed in between. went home around 11 pm.

wow, God did not allow that i'd spend this day alone. though this year's valentine's was far from dramatic and/or romantic, at least i spent it with a friend and i couldn't've asked for more :)

my day was totally unexpected. maybe i expected too much from the people i am constantly around with.

feb 15. comprehensive exams.

i slept late, again. the venti coffee got to me. i woke up early and felt funny. funny, i felt prepared :)

so i took the exams. it was draining, exhausting and very much tiring. the entire day i was making schemas, expounding theories and gave cases that supported it; eveything was all essay --- one question per page (letter-sized bond paper). we started at 8 and finished at 6:00 in the evening.

though i felt like life was sucked out of me, i was thankful to have endured everything. i was thankful because i had answers to all the questions. i was thankful for not cramming. i was thankful beyond words. i am thankful beyond words.

some random thoughts:

> slumdog millionaire --- WOW. it's a must-see!!!

> it's valentines and my starbucks cup is the wintercup. walang valentines cup? hehehe

> one thing my braces have taught me: we are always given the chance to correct our mistakes. figure out why :)

> japan's traditional tea ceremony is the one summary of the book "8th habit: from effectiveness to greatness" by stephen covey.

> gays owe a lot from harvey milk. every gay ought to know him. he was the one who fought for social acceptance and gay rights.

> i am single yet not love-less. alone but not lonely.

> people ask me why i don't have a boyfriend. answer: getting my self a boyfriend is not my top priority because i have the people who make it unnecessary to have one at the moment :)

Feb 11, 2009

go dad!

a father shows the way.

aira shared this commercial, her favorite, with us. sooo cute! it made all of us smile, hope you do too! enjoy!

of trivias and hugs

i like trivias and useless fun facts. gian used to be annoyed with my constant "gi, did you know that...", kaiser would just laugh at me and say "really? where'd you get that?", and melvin would say "here you go again with your 'did you know-s' hehehehe". so far, these are the only guy friends i have who can tolerate my kiddy mode, melvin especially. my other friends would just ignore me or change the topic. but nonetheless, i still look up for little facts everywhere and pester my friends with them. hehehehe.

currently, i am enjoying a break from the madness and information overload my pedagogies requirements are shoting me. which is why i am posting some of the fun little trivias i have found moments ago while tottering the worldwide web. it's good to unwind this way, i can get away with what is stressing me at the same time learn something new, no matter how useless or senseless they seem to be :)


Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.

Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.

Yams have 10 times more vitamin C than sweet potatoes.

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

A goldfish has a memory span of about 3 seconds.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Great Britain was the first county to issue postage stamps. Hence, the postage stamps of Britain are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

because lately i have been preoccupied with both essential and nonessential brainers, there are few things i miss.

1) wandering around bookstores hunting for a new read.

2) wasting time away at starbucks with friends, doing and worrying about absolutely nothing. just enjoying each other's company, sharing aimless talks and letting time pass us by. coffee times --- starbucks moments, i miss thee :(

3) dancing, haha! i used to dance a lot. as in a lot. i used to dance to music when i'm alone in my room. i used to be part of the cheerleading team in high school. i used to dance ballroom dances with my mum at home. i danced for school programs back in elementary. i danced in PE classes. i used to dance in clubs and pubs whenever my friends and i are in clubbing mode --- usually when depressed or stressed out. i really haven't had the idea of grabbing the chance to dance while alone in the pad lately. hhmmm ... maybe i will, when i'm not too tired.

4) i'm not really fond of alcoholic beverages. i don't drink beer, just cocktails. i haven't had any since may of last year. almost a year already. i miss my favorite yummy margarita. i miss it!

5) lastly, i miss ... having somebody to hug and give my big hug to. is anyone giving away free hugs??? sana may free hugs dito hehehehe.


Feb 10, 2009

25 Random Things

i've been tagged! --- actually, this was just a week ago.

this is about the highly circulated 25 Random Things, where you write 25 facts about yourself so that people will know more about you. because i am de-stressing at the moment, i am posting 25 random things about me. this is a revised version of my original post.

1. i have a very poor eyesight. my glasses are graded 300 (both eyes) and i only wear them in selected places. i don't wear contacts so when i'm out, i'm half-blind: everything within a 4-meter radius are already blurry.

2. i'm a sucker for dark chocolates. i don't care if it's Goya, as long as it's dark, bring it on! :)

3. i've always wanted to become a doctor, but when i encountered the opportunity face-to-face, i did not take it. simply because i've realized that i can live without becoming a doctor, what i couldn't live through though is not being able to realize my list of "things to achieve before 30".

4. giving birth, getting married and starting a family actually scare me.

5. i am pathologically incapable of absorbing too much attention --- i honestly don't like it. i don't know why.

6. when i was in college, i was too hard on my self thus becoming hard on others.

7. i love indie music :)

8. my first boyfriend turned out to be gay. as in GAY. found out just last year.

9. since i started watching the show Flip This House, i told myself that i will marry Paul Esajian. i'm pathetic, i know. but just a week ago, i discovered he's already engaged. bummer.

10. i enjoy silence.

11. i enjoy watching cartoons, especially Disney's Phineas and Ferb.

12. as a little girl, i sucked my thumb.

13. i can't sleep, study, and write without music passing through my ears.

14. i will be maid-of-honor in my aunt's wedding (this june), it's something i honestly detest. i was hoping for a more discreet, surreptitious role like reader or offerer.

15. when i'm stressed-out, i get noisy, babble and prattle about a lot of things.

16. i want to globe-trot.

17. i cook a lot, and am proud to say that i'm darn good at it.

18. last year, i have been verbally harassed (with threats!). it went on for several months and only stopped a week before graduation, when i finally told my family.

19. when i was younger, every summer the entire family would go on trips to anywhere in the country. my favorite destination: bacolod.

20. every period, i always have dysmenorrhea.

21. i am irritated with people who make wrongly construed possibilities between me and my "chatty mode" buddy.

22. i have a type A personality.

23. i daydream a lot.

24. sometimes, when i'm uberly bored, i wander around aimlessly.

25. i love sleeping. love.

Feb 9, 2009

my turn

status update: icon is organizing the class seminar, studying for the comprehensive exams, prepping everything for her proposal hearing, making her masters requirements, and chillaxing in between.

it was a hefty list but, *whew* ... hehehehe.

right now, though everything's still a blur, there's direction. and it's all i need to know for me to carry on, move forward - one step at a time, and look for the tunnel's end. things will be all right. i will be all right.

right now, things are moving at a very fast pace. everyday, a new challenge poses itself to be recognized and acted upon. no other choice but to tackle, and tackle them down. at the end of each day, i find myself victorious. i then prepare for the treacherous day that will be. things will be all right. i will be all right.

i wake up with hope. but as the day progresses, this pillar of hope is tested. the pillar is destroyed and crumbles to the ground until the last rubble. WTF?!, sh*t!, crap! --- i curse in my silence. but later on realize that cursing won't do anything to help. so i compose myself and clear my mind. i try to illustrate the theme: "poise under pressure" --- poor theatrics, but i somehow manage. before the day closes, the skies open up. divine intervention. suddenly, things are all right. and i know i'm all right. *whew* *smile* *wink*

we sharpen the pencil to get better results. during the sharpening process, the pencil undergoes a tough time shedding and giving up its layers. it may take quite a while, it may be just a short while. but after the entire rigmarole of sharpening, the pencil stands tall, more beautiful. when you use it, it delivers finer and more precise effects. the pencil from then is much different from the pencil now. it has improved.

the grass lives, it grows. but while existing, the grass is stepped on, crushed, and burned. its redeeming quality: it grows back.

like pencils, we undergo a lot of sharpening. like the grass, we are stepped on, crushed, and burned. we are tested to our limits. like the pencil, we learn to sacrifice as our layers are shed. but, like the grass, we should always persist to grow back. because only in this manner --- only after our sharpening, can we become wiser, more mature and better.

'tis the beauty of life. we learn, unlearn, and relearn.

we are blessed by God to bless others. here is my outstanding nudger for this day:

man is by nature imperfect.
therefore, as mere mortals, we are prone to all kinds and classes of mistakes.
as much as we make right turns, we make wrong ones too.
i have had my share of misdemeanors and unimpressive demeanors.
and all were of varying proportions.
but no matter how i mess up, help always comes.

i got myself a ticket to this humongous sh*t a few months back.
it rained, it darn poured. and it poured damn hard.
further i messed up and slacked.
mistake after every damn mistake piled.
the walls built fast.
taller and taller they grew, thicker and thicker they got.
until i realized there was no possible way out.

but, lo and behold.
help came.
no questions were asked, i was plainly helped.
the walls broke down.
i was saved.
i am blessed.

we make wrong choices, we mess-up; then we pick-up the crap and clean up the mess. the whole process repeats itself. life, after all, is a cycle.

we are blessed by God to bless others. when everything in my life seemed to have no sense, i was helped. no questions were asked. i was not forced to explain my self and my sad behavior. i was, simply, helped.

i am blessed to be blessed. when someone needs help, how can i not? i, too, was once helped. thereby, it is my obligation and privilege to extend the same aid that was given me. no questions. just an extended hand, ready to help rebuild that person's dignity. when you were given the chance, how can you not give others?

it's my turn now :)


Feb 2, 2009


this morning, ate emma, my classmate in the masters program, told me about this medical school scholarship. it's a full scholarship; with monthly allowance and allowance for books and uniform. it's really a good offer. i told lola mother and my parents about it. luckily, they agreed that i take the opportunity. i was really thrilled. i've always wanted to be a med student, let alone, a doctor.

an hour ago, i took a moment to think about it.

now i'm torn.

i'm currenty asking myself if heading medical school is what i really want, although i know the scholarship thingy is still not a hundred percent sure.

i'm asking myself if being a doctor is a profession i can settle with, what with the things i want to give my family.

i love my parents. i love my family. and i would really want to give them all the luxury things i've always wanted for them. i want to take my parents to europe for a month-long tour. i want to build a retirement house for them. i want to send my brother to an ivy league college when he finally takes up medicine. i want to give my sister all the designer stuff she likes, and she would be the most fashionable lawyer ever --- with the latest chanel power suit and all that. i want so many things for them, but going to med school would mean a delay with these plans. or maybe i won't even get to give them these.

so i'm torn. confused.

i need enlightenment.