Feb 21, 2009

woes ... dang!

if i wrote this hours ago, the condemning, heinous side of me would have won over my better judgment or shall i say, better good.

if i wrote this hours ago, you would be reading belittling, demeaning, harsh statements.

if i wrote this hours ago at the height of my fuming rage, you would be witnessing how i spew my vitriol, maybe even get a dose of it yourself even if it doesn't apply to you. reading them would be like pouring acid on a fresh open wound. no one would want that.

but of course, i'm better than that. because i have to. because i want to.

if i have learned a thing or two from my experience today, they are:
1) never underestimate nor overestimate people, and
2) never expect.

and if people have learned something from me today, they would be:
1) when i say business, i mean BUSINESS.
2) responsibility, commitment, initiative and common sense --- there's really no excuse for ignorance.
3) "i thought", and "i don't/didn't know" won't do for me --- in the profession, people die and many are harmed because of these two phrases.

for people to know me more, here're a few pointers:
1) i'm a sag. when it comes to work, look up for my sign first so that you'll know what and how i am when i mean "get the job done and get it right".
2) i mean business.
3) give me crap and i'll raise hell.
4) oh, and yeah, don't tell me "it's ok" when it's really not. because i'm no good at pretending and theatrics, i'll shove reality at your face even when reality would eat you, both of us, everyone alive and whole.
5) show me initiative and common sense, rest assured, you have my respect.

that's about it.

today's experience was indeed a learning one. it has opened my eyes to more of life's spiteful truths. i was hurt. and yes, i cried --- the salty moisture my eyes let go always betray me everytime my body would be filled with anger, i can't seem to control it. nevertheless, the pencil was sharpened once more.

although my morning temperament was so not me and totally unexpected, it made me appreciate the ones who are the real good judge of people. gawd, what a relief.

i was wrong. i made mistakes. i got hurt. i felt betrayed. i lost. YET: i gained. i was awakened. i learned. i was humbled. i feel stronger.

i can forgive, that's not much to ask.
i have forgiven. but i won't forget.
i have accepted and understood (talk about the better judgment and the better good). but acting "like it never happened", i can't guarantee.
i have decided: i will give the benefit of the doubt. but half of my respect and trust needs to be earned again. it's too much for one "honest mistake" (if you call it that), i know. but that's the way how things operate for me. i've tried to modify, but i'm no fake, it's the best i can do. believe me.

of course, i will be MIA for quite some time. but it's better than forcing myself to warm up immediately without my inner being resorting to healing time-out. it really is. just avoiding a premature sparking of the ire, which would ultimately result to me throwing incremental bile and exponential tectonic plate blow-ups --- nobody quick-witted would want that, only slowpokes do.

that's about the last sequelae from this morning's fumes.

life, after all, is about learning, unlearning, and relearning. :)