Aug 4, 2009

awful truth

Ate Caycay and I chika-ed at Tita Carol’s office late this afternoon. The abused subject of “love” came up, and so I shared, of course. All the chika dawned an epiphany on me: that that part of my life almost always comes out a failure. I strongly feel it’s because of the timing, as it seems to be forever and a day wrong. I mean, when I happen to really like someone, it’s either he’s not available or he stays stuck in the friend zone. Or, when someone does get close, I’m not that into him. I don’t exactly know why, but it just goes that way for me, hopefully at least just for now. Even if I’m a little cynic, I don’t plan and intend to live the tedium-full life that of a spinster. I honestly, honestly don’t.

I took advantage of the wi-fi in the office while continuing that provoking chat with Ate Cay. I opened one of my cyberspace accounts and unconsciously checked the profile of that particular person whom I secretly have a crush on. He’d pass my criteria of a perfect guy: expressive eyes, bright smile, lovely vocabulary and diction, smart and decent … except for one --- he’s taken! And I don’t think he’ll ever be unattached to the lucky girl. I even think he’s marrying her! Just thinking about it makes me want to give-up this quest to find the nearest acceptable prospect. Haaay, for chrissakes, I hope the old saying yet remains true, that there are a lot of fishes in the sea. Yes, yes, there are; but some of them are gay and others are either married, getting there or just complete a**holes. I fervently hope someone defies what I just blurted. Sometimes I think I really need a boyfriend, but conversely there are times when I feel that having one would be just a humongous mistake (for now) and an extra pain in the ass. I don’t want to fall on either side of the pole. Who’d want to be overdosed? Right, no one --- truly detrimental.

The downside of constantly thinking about that person is taking its toll on me. I’d find myself staring blankly at particularly nothing, lost in the fantasies of us as each other’s significant person. It’s silly, I know. But that’s what’s lingering in my head for the time being. I badly need diversional activities, just something that can steal every bit of gross attention my unconscious is in possession.

I’m going back hours from now, and I’m finally, finally going to meet the Dean for that career potential. I want to believe that it will be it. Even if it’s just part-time, it’ll do me all the best for the moment. God knows how bored and incompetent I feel what with the colossal free time I have. It’s morphing me into a professional bum. I wish that my top 2 applications will be a success. Fingers crossed still.

Is it 1 am yet? I absolutely lost track of the time, maybe it’s the coffee. I’ve been an insomniac lately and I know I really need to reset my biological clock. The good thing about being one per se is that I can do the things I haven’t done during the day, what’s sad is when I get up real early and feeling tired is how I jumpstart the day.